Why Children Can Ruin Marriages (It’s Not What You Think)
Marriage evolves over time, and few life changes have as profound an impact as becoming parents. While many couples thrive in the transition to parenthood, others find themselves struggling to maintain the connection they once had. This isn’t necessarily a sign of failure—it’s a reflection of how life and priorities shift when children enter the picture. It may also be a sign that one or both people are growing in a positive direction, not necessarily the wrong one.
If you have followed my content or blogs up until this point, you might know that I got sober from drugs and alcohol when my daugther was 4 months old. I never drank during my pregnancy but it was clear to me after she was born that if i didn’t get help and change my lifestyle, she would stuffer. And so I got help and I quit drinking over 9 years ago.
Nothing changed my marriage more that this profound lifestyle decision and shift. My husband and I used to drink and go out together, we also bonded over bottles of wine and nights out in Berlin. He still enjoyed going out with his friends and drinking, but we no longer shared this activity as a couple. My sobriety also changed me personally, emotionally, and spiritually, to the point that after 5 years, our marriage no longer made sense.
If you asked my ex-husband why we are divorced, he would likely say that I changed. And I did.
People change with children, not just relationships
Children bring joy, love, and purpose to a relationship, but they also introduce new responsibilities, stressors, and shifts in identity. Many of the challenges that arise stem from the fact that people change when they become parents. The version of yourself that existed before kids may not be the same after. And many of these changes are completely unpredictable. That is to say, it is impossible to know how you or your spouse will change until you have children.
Some common ways parenthood alters relationships include:
Shifting Priorities – The carefree, spontaneous couple who once traveled or spent weekends socializing may now be focused on sleep schedules, school choices, and parenting duties.
Different Approaches to Parenting – Couples may discover they have conflicting parenting styles, leading to tension and disagreements.
Career and Financial Pressures – One partner may feel a heightened need to provide, dedicating more time to work, while the other may focus more on the children, creating a potential divide.
Emotional and Physical Changes – Parenthood can alter intimacy, personal identity, and emotional well-being, making it harder to maintain a romantic connection.
Growing Up May Mean Growing Apart
In my case, children meant that I had to change myself, my lifestyle, and grow up to an extent to meet the demands of parenthood. Growing up meant that how we related, bonded, and connected in the early years of our marriage no longer made sense.
One person may become deeply involved in parenting, while the other becomes more career-driven. The energetic, adventurous young couple may find themselves leading very different lifestyles as parents. In some cases, these changes lead to a realization that the marriage no longer works in its current form.
Of course many couples survive and thrive during this transition. They may make accommodations for a partners’ new priorities or seeming personality changes. Couples may grow and change together. There are many ways to accommodate the evolution of a person after children, however, many couples find that they have changed too much to stay together.
Separation or divorce isn’t necessarily a failure—and in fact, growing apart may also be indicative of a new self-awareness, personal growth, and change.
Thriving Amidst Change
Not every couple struggles with these changes. Many navigate the shifts successfully by:
Communicating Openly – Acknowledging feelings, fears, and frustrations can help couples adjust together rather than drift apart.
Prioritizing the Relationship – Even amid parenting duties, making time for each other strengthens the bond between partners.
Embracing Change Together – Recognizing that both partners will evolve and choosing to adapt as a team can foster long-term growth.
Seeking Support – Therapy, parenting classes, or simply talking to other couples can provide perspective and strategies for maintaining connection
When Separation Becomes the Healthiest Option
Despite efforts to adapt, some couples find that their evolving identities are no longer compatible. In these cases, separation or divorce can be a step toward personal growth and healthier co-parenting. Ending a marriage doesn’t mean failing as parents; in fact, choosing a peaceful, respectful separation can create a healthier environment for both the couple and their children.
Embracing Change as Part of the Journey
Parenthood transforms relationships, sometimes strengthening them and sometimes leading them down new paths. The key is to recognize that change is natural and that adapting to it—whether as a couple or as co-parents—is the most important part of the journey. Whether together or apart, the focus should always be on fostering healthy relationships that support both personal growth and the well-being of the family.
