The Problem with Couples Therapy
About a year before I left my husband, I remember facing the couples’ therapist sharing my deepest fears and frustrations, often relating to my exes drinking and abusive outbursts. There were times I was afraid of who I was dealing with when he came home. I tried to be honest about how difficult the situation was for myself and my children, however she skipped over the abusive episodes and simply asked, “Okay what time do you want him to come home?” as though he simply needed a curfew.
“I don’t want a drunk husband,” I said flatly, because it seemed like a fair request, and I was done with rules and done with babysitting. I was also tired of compromising and putting myself at risk.
Another couples therapist took one look at me and said, “You’re not abused. I’ve seen abused women and you’re not one of them.” He too, wanted to skip over the alcoholism and abuse with a primary focus on keeping us together. This required denying the truth of what had happened in our home and the real fears I experienced for myself and my children.
It wasn’t until later that I realized they had prioritized saving the marriage over truth and the reality that divorce was the only way for me to protect myself and heal.
The Problem with the "Save the Relationship" Mentality in Therapy
Couples therapy is often seen as a way to mend and strengthen relationships. Therapists typically focus on helping couples navigate conflicts, improve communication, and rebuild emotional connections. The underlying goal is frequently to keep the couple together, reinforcing the idea that staying in the relationship is the ultimate success. However, this approach can be problematic—especially in cases where abuse, addiction, or severe toxicity are present.
While therapy can be a valuable tool for many relationships, it can also unintentionally prolong suffering when the best and safest resolution is separation or divorce. In my case, because the therapists also participated in gaslighting and downplaying abusive episodes, I was stuck in a longer cycle of abuse.
The Issue with Prioritizing Relationship Preservation
Many couples’ therapists operate under the assumption that with enough effort, patience, and understanding, most relationships can be saved. They emphasize conflict resolution, compromise, and forgiveness. While these are important skills in a healthy partnership, they can be dangerous in relationships where abuse or addiction is a central issue. In some relationships, one person may never be willing to change or compromise, and the best thing to do is move forward separately.
A person in an abusive relationship may be encouraged to work on communication strategies rather than recognizing that their safety is at risk. Similarly, when one partner struggles with addiction and refuses to seek help, the other may be pushed to “support” them rather than considering that leaving might be the best option for their own well-being and mental health. Separation or divorce may be the only alternative to living with an abuser or addict.
when Separation Is the Healthiest Choice
In some relationships, staying together is not the answer. There are situations where divorce or separation is not a failure but an act of self-preservation.
Some key scenarios include:
Abuse: Whether emotional, physical, or psychological, abuse should never be tolerated or justified. No amount of therapy will make an abuser change unless they take personal accountability and seek help independently.
Addiction: While some couples navigate addiction recovery together, others find that addiction destroys trust and creates an unsafe environment. If the addicted partner refuses treatment or repeatedly relapses, separation may be necessary for the other person’s well-being.
Fundamental Incompatibility: Some relationships deteriorate because two people are simply not meant to be together. When core values, beliefs, or life goals are irreconcilable, forcing a relationship to continue can do more harm than good.
The Role of a Therapist Should Be More Balanced
Rather than focusing solely on saving relationships at all costs, my coaching practice is specifically aimed at empowering individuals to recognize when a relationship is no longer serving them and offer support in making difficult, but necessary, choices. Therapy should not just be about making relationships work—it should also help individuals understand when it’s time to walk away.
Embracing Separation as a Positive Step
Leaving my husband and starting over alone with two small children was the hardest thing I have ever done, however, it gave me incredible courage and strength in all other areas of my life. Leaving a relationship, particularly a long-term one, is never easy. There’s often fear, guilt, and societal pressure to “make it work.” But in many cases, separation or divorce is not a failure—it’s an act of courage and self-respect. The goal of any relationship should be mutual happiness, safety, and fulfillment. If those cannot be achieved together, then parting ways may be the best solution for both individuals involved.
Therapists, loved ones, and society as a whole should recognize that sometimes, the healthiest resolution is to say goodbye. Healing doesn’t always come from staying—it sometimes comes from preserving the self, having courage, and moving on.
