shifting the burden of emotional labor

Emotional Labor in Romantic Relationships — Why It’s Draining, Who Carries It, and How to Share the Load

What Is Emotional Labor?
Originally coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, emotional labor refers to the invisible effort we put into managing emotions — our own and others’ — to keep things running smoothly. In romantic relationships, it looks like:

• Soothing your partner’s moods

• Being the one to initiate difficult conversations or repair

• Remembering birthdays, dinner plans, family obligations

• Monitoring how both of you are doing emotionally

• Acting as the emotional “thermostat” of the relationship

This labor isn’t inherently bad — in fact, it’s often a sign of deep care. But when it’s one-sided, it becomes exhausting and unsustainable.

When I was married, I was often carrying the emotional labor of taking the temperature of the relationship, handling practical matters, and generally feeling like the relationship would not survive if I didn’t do everything to hold it together. By the end, I wound up feeling burned out, resentful, and overburdened.

Why Women Tend to Carry More

Decades of research shows that women — especially in heterosexual relationships — often shoulder this burden disproportionately. Why?

• From childhood, girls are socialized to nurture and smooth over conflict

• Boys are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability

• In adulthood, these patterns resurface, and women frequently take on the role of emotional caretaker

• Even in dual-income households, women perform what Hochschild called the “second shift” — the unpaid emotional and domestic labor at home

It’s no wonder so many women report feeling like their partner’s therapist, manager, or emotional coach.

Signs You’re Carrying Too Much Emotional Labor

• You’re the one always initiating hard conversations

• You feel drained, but can’t articulate why

• You soothe their feelings, but they don’t show up for yours

• You feel guilty for having needs

• You fear that if you don’t manage things, everything will fall apart

How to Shift the Balance

1. Name It Gently
Say something like, “I feel like I’m often the one holding emotional space — can we share that more evenly?”

2. Ask for Specific Support
Not “I want more help,” but: “When I’m upset, I’d love for you to check in on me, too.”

3. Let Go of Fixing
Sometimes you have to stop absorbing their discomfort to give them space to grow. Let them feel their own feelings.

4. Watch How They Respond
Are they curious, open, and willing to try? Or do they get defensive, shut down, or blame you? That’s your data.

You Deserve Mutual Care

Healthy love is mutual. One partner shouldn’t always be the safe place, the emotional container, the fixer. You deserve to be held, too.

If you’re feeling drained by a relationship — name it, invite change, and watch what happens. And remember: You are not too much for wanting reciprocity. You are enough, exactly as you are.

Want to Explore This More Deeply?

🎧 Listen to Episode 8: Shifting the Burden of Emotional Labor here
📝 Try: Journaling your resentment — it often reveals hidden labor